— Josh Kilen :: Stories and Ideas

Much too early, every Thursday morning, I go to a men’s group.  I say “go to” but “slog to” may be more appropriate; 05:30am is an awful time to be awake.  But there is free coffee and since I inherited my father’s “thriftiness”, I’m a sucker for such inducements. We typically gather to discuss parenting, how to be better husbands, etc… but today blessed us with an unwarranted  epiphany.

When an epiphany comes along, you pay attention

We were discussing values and how a parent needs to know and live their own values before he  can impart those values on to his children.  Makes sense in one’s head, but when you get down to it, how exactly do you know your values?

We all theoretically agreed that values are important, that we must have them, but how does one create new, or good, values?  Is there a process?  As we talked about these issues, it became apparent that most of us saw this topic through a fuzzy lens, meaning that we understood it in our heads but had very little idea how to go about making it happen.

What I mean by “values”

A value, meaning “what you value” or “your values”, is a reaction to experience.  When you go through something, or if something happens to you, you react.  Your automatic actions will reveal your deepest values.  That will show what your heart really believes.  Then your actions reveal your chosen values.

For example…

If you are accosted by a homeless man outside of a supermarket, or perhaps someone that “has just run out of gas” and “just needs a few bucks” to get somewhere, what is your reaction?

Initially you might be sympathetic to their cause but then other values kick in, ones that make you decide that this person is not really stuck, that they will just buy booze with “your” money.  So your value is your reaction but also your final action.

In fact, your final action is your chosen value

And this is how you know and change your values; change your decisions.

And this is not a theoretical discussion

This idea plays for keeps, but you have to live it.  You can’t simply sit back and imagine that you will make a different choice, you actually have to change.  You have to actively participate in the change you want to make in yourself.

If you sit at home all day and night, watching TV or movies, you probably won’t have many opportunities to test yourself.  Go out, put yourself in new and challenging situations, find experiences that push you to see who you are and more importantly who you want to be.

Create a better story, be the character that inspires

In great stories, truly memorable characters are never passive.  They take action, they move their story forward.  The writer puts him or her in situations that test their mettle so the reader can see how they’ll respond.  That’s what we need to do with ourselves.

If you have never been to church, find a church that pushes your buttons a little.  See how you react, then if your actions are not the values you want, conscioulsy focus on the actions you want to take.  Go to a part of town that you are scared to go to and see what happens.  Obviously some good sense is required but a little danger is good for the soul.

Conflict allows you to see who you are and change.

We are created to tell great stories with our lives

We are meant to live and rub up against this world in a way that matters and inspires. To make a difference in ours and others lives.  Find the values that inspire you, put yourself in situations where you have to choose to make those values part of you, then repeat with different experiences.

You are the storyteller, the writer of your character’s actions.  The Great Storyteller handles the world around you, but you are in charge of your own actions.  Make them the best you can.

Have you ever tried to change someone else’s mind?  Have you talked and pleaded with them to see a different point of view but in the end failed to get through?

Expectations are the key

To change someone you need to understand expectations.  We see the world through our expectations.  As we act, do, talk, exist, we expect to have certain real-world outcomes, also called experiences.  These “expected experiences” or expectations, are how we plan the world to work out for us.  They are what we expect to get from the world.

Happiness is easy to find, but so is disappointment

If those expectations are violated then we are disappointed, if they are met then we are content. But if somehow these expectations of our future experiences are exceeded, then we have the phenomenon known as happiness.

My wife is great at expecting things

For example, if I say I will do the dishes and then don’t, I have given her a reality that is below what she expected and she is disappointed.  If I do the dishes she got what she expected and is content because reality met her expectations. If the dishes aren’t done to her expectations then she will be disappointed.  But if I do a better job than she thought I would, she is mildly happy.

If I decide to be “Husband of the Year” and do the dishes, vacuum the carpet, give the dogs a bath, AND clean the bathroom on my day off, then she gets more than she expected and since reality exceeded her expectations she experiences joy and happiness.   It’s all very simple, but often goes unnoticed.

Are you willing to change yourself to change someone else?

Definitely think about this if you want to change someone’s life for the better:

• In what ways am I disappointing the one’s I care about?  The one’s I love? What are their expectations of me?  Are those realistic expectations?  Am I even close to meeting the realistic ones?
• How often am I just getting by?  If I were to grade my daily behaviors on a 1, 3, or 5 scale then how many would be in the middle?  How can I change my efforts from 3 (mediocre, content) to 5 (exceptional, happiness)?
• In my day to day interactions, business and personal, how can I exceed someone else’s expectations?

You have the power to change a life for the better, you just need to find out what their expectations are and learn to go beyond whatever that person expected from reality.  It will change their lives and yours.